


Maybe It Goes Both Ways

by AbschaumNo1



Series: Hope for Recovery [6]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Gen, I promise that the next one will be a bit more lighthearted again, Mental Health Issues, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, and you can trust me on that, not sure what else to tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-23
Updated: 2014-08-23
Packaged: 2018-02-14 10:17:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2188011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AbschaumNo1/pseuds/AbschaumNo1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As much as he is doing his best to help Bucky, Steve isn't okay either.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Maybe It Goes Both Ways

**Author's Note:**

> I have to admit, that I wrote this without doing research first, because I had no internet. I did fact checking later, and I think I haven't made any big errors. If there are any or if you think i could have done better feel free to tell me.
> 
> Also this weekend is double post weekend, and there is something a lot more lighthearted coming tomorrow.

A lot of people don't realise that Steve has bad days, too. At least that's how it looks to Bucky from the outside (or maybe inside, considering that he didn't really go out yet). But since he lives with Steve he sees all of him, and he realises that Steve isn't okay either. At first, shortly after he turned up on his doorstep, Bucky was still too occupied with his own mental state and the memories that had begun to resurface, as well as all the stuff they brought with them. But then, once he had gotten through the worst of it, and started to be more of a real person again, he begun to see.

He sees the days on which Steve just flops down on the couch and doesn't get up for the rest of the day. He also sees the times when Steve just kind of stares into the distance without seeing. He sees how some days Steve is barely able to smile, and how he can barely get out of bed on the worst days. Bucky is concerned about it, but he has no idea how to help his best friend through these days.

He tries his best though. When Steve can't seem to smile he tries everything he can think of to cheer him up somehow. He tells funny stories he remembers, or puts on movies that he knows usually make Steve smile, or he tries his best to cook something he knows Steve likes. Sometimes it works, or at least it seems like it works, and Steve actually cracks a smile, but sometimes getting him to eat and react to something is already a victory.

But the worst days are the ones when they both have a bad day. On those, neither of them are really up for communication, and they sit together in silence, until Steve forces himself to get up and leave the flat to give Bucky space. If Bucky is honest it breaks his heart.

On one of these days he calls Sam and tells him about it, because as much as he needs to sort himself out, he also cannot stand to have to watch Steve like this. “Yeah, I realised it,” Sam tells him with a sigh. “About the time that we met. But he's too stubborn. I guess that you get to see it means that either he's worn thin, or he trusts you enough to let you see him like that.”

“What should I do?” Bucky asks when he has mulled over the information in his head.

“The most important thing right now is that you sort yourself out. But if you're up to it be there for him. He's too stubborn to accept any direct talk about it right now, so there's not much more we can do. But if you can manage it, try to distract him.” They both know it's not ideal, but until they can do anything about it it will have to be enough.

Bucky does his best to be there for Steve when he needs it, just like Sam told him, but he still thinks that he's doing something wrong. He has a feeling that he could do more, and that this more would be just what Steve needs. He tries different approaches: giving Steve his space just like he does it for him, talking, food, movies, but nothing really works. He talks to Sam about his frustration, and is told, “It's completely okay not to find something immediately. You have your own shit to sort out. Maybe you'll get there, and when you do that's great, just don't force it.”

In the end he kind of finds out by accident. It's one of the worst days he has seen yet and Steve hasn't even managed to get out of bed, something Bucky hasn't seen in all the time since he has returned. Bucky himself has only slept fitfully, thanks to the nightmares that keep plaguing him. He hovers in the door to Steve's bedroom for a moment, before his sleep-deprived brain makes the decision for him and he steps into the room, crosses the few metres to the bed and slips into it next to Steve. It feels familiar, and where his nightmares left him on edge before, he begins to relax.

What Bucky doesn't expect is for Steve to move and snuggle up to him. He doesn't do it immediately, first he rolls over and just kind of reaches out towards Bucky, a silent question of whether moving closer would be too much or not that Bucky answers by holding out his arm in an invitation of his own. Steve ends up with one arm loosely wrapped around Bucky's waist, and his head resting against his side, Bucky's right arm curled around Steve's head and shoulders, and still Steve is cautious to give Bucky the possibility to move away from him.

When he recovers from his surprise, Bucky turns around and wraps his arms around Steve without thinking about it. All he knows is that it seems like this is what Steve needs right now, and there is now way he won't give it to him.

Later he won't be able to tell when and how he realises that Steve is crying against his chest, but he will remember exactly how it makes him feel when he does. There's shock, and pity, paired with an almost overwhelming surge of love and protectiveness. He wishes he knew what to do to keep Steve safe from this, but at the same time he knows that it doesn't work like that. All he can do for the moment is hold Steve in his arms and be there for him.

He lies there with him and rubs slow circles on Steve's back, until he calms down a bit. When he finally stops crying Steve doesn't pull away immediately, and Bucky doesn't loosen his hold on him. They lie together in comfortable silence, until Steve pulls away slightly, something Bucky only allows with reluctance.

“I'm sorry,” Steve says into the silence. Bucky looks at him for a moment.

“It's okay,” he finally replies, “You needed it.”

“I just... it feels unfair to... to burden you with this when you're...you know...”

Bucky looks at him, thinking of something to say. He reaches out and softly squeezes Steve's shoulder with his metal hand.

“You're not burdening me,” he tells him, “I mean... I know I've got problems, but... that doesn't mean you can't have any of your own.”

“It's just... I... I feel so guilty, and... and I don't think I've felt okay ever since I woke up, but... you're back and I think... I think I should feel better, but... I don't.” Steve closes his eyes, and Bucky pulls him closer again.

“Maybe that's not how it works, Stevie. Sometimes things aren't that easy. I'm sure most people wouldn't do any better than you if they were frozen for seventy years, and had to deal with the kind of stuff you had to deal with. A lot of them would probably do worse.” He can feel Steve bury his head in his chest, and exhale. He seems relieved, and Bucky is glad that he said the right thing. He rests his chin on Steve's head for a moment, before he says, “Maybe you should talk to Sam. I mean, if you think you don't want to make things any more difficult for me. I'm sure he'll help you if you ask him.”

Steve thinks about it for a moment, and pulls away to look at Bucky. “I'll think about it,” he says, and Bucky nods.

“Good. Just promise me that you'll really do it. I know you, Steve, and I know how stubborn you can be. If you're not okay, you should get help.”

There's something soft in Steve's eyes when he looks at Bucky now, and a hint of melancholy in his words as he says, “I promise, Buck.”

Bucky remembers why Steve is looking at him like that. He's doing what he has always done: Looking out for Steve and making sure that he is okay. The way he is looking at him now tells Bucky that Steve remembers, too.

“How did you do it?” Sam asks him a few days later when they are talking on the phone. Bucky grins as he listens to the water running in the shower.

“I just told him to get help,” he says.

Sam lets out an amused snort. “Yeah, sure. As if that would work. Come on, man, you can tell me. I won't tell on you.”

“I'm serious,” Bucky replies, and this time the grin is evident in his voice. “I told him that he should get help if he needs it. And then I made him promise that he'd really do it.” He silent for a moment, and his grin softens to a smile. “It's what I always did back in the day. I looked out for him, and was stubborn enough to make him accept it.”

Sam doesn't say anything for a minute, and when he speaks again he is a lot more serious than before. “You know, he told me once that even when he had nothing, he had you. I'm sure he's glad that that's still true.”

“Of course he would tell it like that,” Bucky says fondly, “He's got it completely wrong though, I'd be nowhere without him, and he would still be great.”

“Maybe it goes both ways,” Sam says, and Bucky can only agree, before they say their goodbyes and he puts down the phone, just as Steve comes out of the bathroom, a towel around his hips.

“Anything important?” he asks with a nod to the phone.

Bucky smiles. “Just something to think about.”

“If I can help just ask,” Steve says.

“I'll work it out, I think,” Bucky replies.

Steve nods and turns around to go to his bedroom. “I just hope all your stupid won't be a hindrance,” he calls back over his shoulder.

“How could it? You're taking all the stupid with you!” Bucky calls after him, and is met with laughter.

Maybe Steve's not really okay; maybe they're both not okay, but they're in this together, and it's what they have done all their lives, and maybe it will work out. Right now Bucky is willing to wager that it will.

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi on [tumblr](http://abschaumno1.tumblr.com).


End file.
